your · receipt · and · itinerary

i have been such a slacker these past two weeks.

i REALLY need to get myself back into the swing of things JUUUUST until summer.

i'm going crazy.

i don't even know why i write in this thing. how pointless.

i have completely given up on the male species.

no particular reason.

just seems like the right time to do it.

my mom is having surgery today.

my family can't get a break when it comes to illness.

i'm at home setting up her room right now. it'll be a comfortable little nest.

i went shopping and got her a huge stuffed porcupine, a bucket to puke in, with which i stuffed lots of candy, magazines, crossword puzzles, green tea, and a freeze-able cup that the ice won't have to be changed in every ten minutes. (it has a built in straw, too.)

oh. and balloons.

i'm setting up my DVD player in her room with tons of movies and things.

she should be set.

some of them may not sound like the most encouraging products, but they're very colorful.

she'll be cute with her frozen cup of green tea through a straw.

54 days until kevin gets here. <3

42 days of school. <3 (60 including weekends)

76 days until my birthday. <3

i'm out of here.

please encourage me to make it all the way to june.

i just wanted to say that i LOVE you

KIM(berly)
NI(CCC)KKK
BIG JOHN(aka scott) balls...
IAN(sweetface)
COREY(baby boy...brutal???)

making a new wall. twenty bucks a month. crash on that mattress.

you guys are the loves of my life.

so last night was fun.

i went to see secret lives, lovehate the hero, the fully down and panic division. it was a really good show.

the fully down was by far the best looking band, but the panic division had by far the best music. i bought a panic division tee shirt and thomas bought the cd... and i stole it from him. hah.

anyway. i need a shower. so that's what i'm going to do.

DESTINY IS HERE TODAY! I WANT TO SEE HER!!! NOW!!! <333

so this is odd.

the painful realization that all has gone wrong

and nobody cares at all. nobody cares at all.

so you buried all your lover's clothes

and burn the letters lover wrote

but it doesn't make it any better.

does it make it any better?

and the plaster dented from your fist

in the hall where you had your first kiss reminds you that the memories will fade.



so this is strange.

our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance

where nobody leads at all. nobody leads at all.

and the picture frames are facing down

and the ringing from this empty sound

is deafening and keeping you from sleep.

and breathing is a foreign task

and thinking's just too much to ask,

and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.



this is incredible

starving

insatiable.

yes, this is love for the first time.



well you'd like to think that you were invincible, yeah...

well weren't we all once?...

before we felt loss for the first time.

well this is the last time. this is the last time. this is the last time.

christmas break was nice. relaxing.

kevin arrived at 4:30 p.m. december 26th. we had so much fun. i didn't realize how much i missed him until i saw him walking down the "arriving international flights" ramp. we both cried. it was ridiculous... but sweet. we saw a lot of movies and ate a lot and laughed a lot. he left to go home the day before yesterday. (january 7.) it was really sad. we both cried again.

aside from the heartache, i now have something to look forward to. i'm going to england in march to see him. it will be my first time across the big pond! i can't wait. it's going to be so much fun. <3 i miss him already.

i bought a composition notebook today and some pencils to write in. i'm going to write to kevin in it and put lots of pictures and drawings, music, poetry, etc. if it turns out the way i want it to, it will be one of the more sentimental gifts i give him for our one year anniversary. i'm anxious to start.


<3x 72 days to England!!!

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? *Stayed out of trouble.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? *No, I did not... and I'm going to try to make one.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes.

5. What countries did you visit? None.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? Stability and stress-free weekends.

7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Eh...?

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I got a 4.75 GPA and had my poetry published in two anthologies.

9. What was your biggest failure? Prayer for judgement.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Seasonal allergies and a cold or two.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Fuck if I know.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? MINE!

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? My mothers.

14. Where did most of your money go? Clothes.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My GPA.

16. What song will always remind you of 2005? "Don't cha" by the Pussycat Dolls.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? - Happier.
b) thinner or fatter? - Same.
c) richer or poorer? - About the same... maybe a little more money here and there.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Planning.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Stressing.

20. How did you spend Christmas? With my family.

22. Did you fall in love in 2005? Yep!

23. How many ...one-night stands? None.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Laguna Beach... unfortunately.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Yes.

26. Did you read any good books? Yes.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Streets.

28. What did you want and get? Good grades.

29. What did you want and not get? A Lamborghini.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Well... it wasn't really OF this year, but it was my favorite movie that I WATCHED this year... Donnie Darko.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 17 in June... I'm more concerned about turning 18 when THIS school year is over.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Kevin living here!!!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? Whatever I pick up first.

34. What kept you sane? Hmmm... sanity?

35. Which celebrity did you fancy the most?. Jake Gyllenhaal.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Stem cell research.

37. Who did you miss? Kevin.

38. Who was the best new person you met in 2005? TOMMO, MOTT, DOONNNNN, BEN... hm.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: Self-tolerence is a ginormous part of fate... and they say fate is out of our hands.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: Shake that laffy taffy.

holy jeebus.

i just saw donnie darko for the first time...

it was the MOST amazing movie i have ever seen in my entire life.

it inspires me to think of an extremely complex circumstance, like donnie darko's, and make it into a movie.

wow. that's all i can say.

in his lips
static
shocks the recollection of self-control
discipline
obedience
in his hands
electricity
illuminates transient hesitation
skepticism
doubt
in his chest
fine fibers
fluttering life beneath his ribs
activity
confusion
in his deliberation
conductivity
races with his disposition
intentions
deficiency
pulls the air
directly from his lungs.